The Real Me

When people told me that blogs are loners diary I didn't believe, I still don't but in my case I guess it's true though I don't blog much, I do write a lot which I don't publish.
So basically I'm trying to figure out why I'm a loner or rather why I doesn't matter in someone's life to a great extent. Why don't I have the confidence to speak up without stuttering and stammering with someone new? Why can't I take my decisions quickly, I'm indecisive?

Maybe because of the people around me or maybe I don't have the guts to speak up.
But whatever it is I want to change it, I want to come out of this shell, I want to do what my heart tell me to do. I want to be the real me. When I look at people chattering, speaking boldly with everyone I want to do that.
I want to answer the questions the lecturer asks in class with confidence even if the answer is wrong. I want to speak the words which I write out loud. I know that actually I'm not like this, I'm not reserved, I'm not silent, I want to have a lot of friends, I want to tell my mom that she IS wrong and I'm correct, I want to tell her to shut up for once (she keeps chattering non stop, my head will explode some day). I want to go out somewhere for a week ALONE, just me.
I don't know what I should do for all these things to happen but I don't know how.

I READ A BOOK and IT'S A THRILLER

It's not like it's the first time I've read a thriller or a crime novel, I've read many many of them. But the thing I find weird after reading them is that for the next few days after I read them I feel as if someone is following me, every time the door bell rings I feel as though the moment I open the door someone is going point a gun at me or even worse someone might just burst through the doors and a bullet rips through my head. I once read two thrillers one after the other.  There was a lot of blood and chase and guns and goons and obviously suspense in those books. I can't explain how I felt for the next few days, only a few days. I wasn't actually scared but it just felt like I was in the story of those stories and I was a part of them as I have a tendency to visualise myself a part of the book, to place myself in the shoes of some character in the book (usually it's  the main character) and every night after I read book I try to think of what happens next or what would I have done if I was in that place, which I guess is common with people who read more (simply put: book addicts). So every thing that triggered any reference to the story would get my heart running. Yeah, I know how crazy it sounds but it was only for two or three days, after that that feeling was gone and all was normal. It's amazing how the human brain...... actually I have to say my works as I can't about everyone who reads a thriller feels the same. How does that happen? I have read somewhere that our brain can not tell the difference of a memory or visualization. That means my brain can't tell if I had visualised myself in a crime scene or if it was real memory.
So when I visualised myself in those thriller novels I read and that too two of them it was like a overdose to my brain. It didn't know what was true and what wasn't. Most likely everything got mixed up, one story combined with other but the common thing about those books was that there was lots of incidents that happens in daily life like opening doors, shopping etc and everytime something like that happens in those books it ends with someone getting shot or someone getting kidnapped. So even the smallest trigger relating to those events in the books might send my stupid brain frenzy and it sends me the stimulus to think that someone is standing outside the door with a gun. So I check a hundred times before I open the door, which makes mother to stand outside her own house for five minutes carrying heavy bags full of groceries. Once she is in I would get share of scolding's for not opening the door fast. But I really can't explain her that I thought someone was trying kill me. Like, it would obviously sound stupid. Well, for a fact I don't even know why I'm writing about it. I mean what's the point? That I'm crazy? maybe, or maybe because I just completed readed another crime novel half an hour ago. But then again life goes on and tomorrow I'll read a romantic novel and fall in love with the main character in the book and so as it happens I try to find that guy in every person I see.

But whatever it is as usual I don't think I really wanted to write what I've written but I guess it turned out to be good stuff or maybe my crazy brain think's it to be good.

Diwali

It's Diwali tonight and I'm sitting in my room. I thought of studying a little for my exams but after two lines I got really really got bored and then I thought, I have 12 more days for my exams and I've  completed almost everything that's on my syllabus. I have only one subject left to revise and I can do that within 2 or 3 days and I will still be left with some 5 days to chill.
So I login to my FB and there's a new announcement of One Direction going on a tour for the Made in The A.M album of theirs and I'm so so so excited and happy, I'm such a big big big fan of One Direction, Harry Styles!!! Oh My God! I can't wait and I hope that they include India this time and after that there weren't many posts, actually there was one more thing, I had done commented on photograph of Durjoy Datta, my favourite author, in that pic he was with his wife, gorgeous wife and he was too cute. It was a picture of them celebrating Diwali and I had commented saying you are  awesome and you rock something like that, and some guy had replied to my comment, he said your cute too and I was like oh wow but then I went and checked out that the guys profile and he was and I didn't like it that much so I replied, thank you, done.
I went on to YouTube I saw a  hell out of Justin Bieber and One Direction videos and I just love them both oh my god! I am so obsessed with Harry Styles. I just want a huge poster of him and Justin Bieber both that I'll put it in my room. Then I realised that my phone battery was getting low after, watching so many videos so I put it to charge and picked up my books to study, I thought let me complete one page of a at least but after on paragraph on emotional intelligence, I realise let me get on to my blog, its Diwali, we don't celebrate Diwali hugely, just a small Pooja.
There is constant noise outside and so noisy I can't watch TV, I can't listen to music even if I plug in my ear phonese and hit the volume high!  It's so loud as if I'm standing right next to a bursting cracker, its really very annoying and I stopped burning crackers when I was in 10th standard and I wanted to tell other people to stop burning crackers because I stopped burning crackers but they wouldn't listen to me so I stopped telling them to stop bursting cracker. The point is if you buy a package sweet, you enjoy the smell, you like the look of it, like the colour, you enjoy eating this sweet because it sweet. When you buy a crackers you can't hold it in your hands while it's burning and say 'look how pretty it is' it will fucking explode in your face! You can't smell it, obviously. So what's there to enjoy in burning crackers? You can't enjoy it in anyway.
So stay safe no crackers.

P.s- I wanted to write something else an wrote something entirely different! I really didn't plan to write about crackers!!

FRUSTRATION and TEMPTATIONS

I have my exams starting next month and I have loads to study. I have fifteen days to go and I hate theory!!!                      
You give me accounts or statistics and I'll do a hundred sums without complaining but this Business Ethics and stuff like that, which just have so much to study and no sums at all!!! 😔 😐 :-(      
Oh God, I don't know how to complete it, I mean the book is full of ...... Ethics!! Principles of ethics, importance of ethics........and so much more..... And all the headings are identical..... So confusing. 

I tried really hard to concentrate but then I have my dear phone, without which I cannot live. I try to keep it aside and study but after fifteen minutes I find myself watching  One direction videos on YouTube or crying over the break in One direction or watching Big boss or some movie. Oh and that guy..... Harry Sttyles ftom One direction he's so handsome!!!! I just can't stop myself from watching any video which has a mention of his name. I've been his huge huge fan for more than year now but I still can't get over his sexy voice and that awesome jawline and oh... his curls!!! Then comes Zayn Malik! His eyes literally twinkles!!   I'm so obsessed with this band... God I need to get my head checked. In between all this I have to chat with my friend and ask her how she is doing, did she complete that chapter she was to complete? Then I tell her that I'm still stuck with the same page that I was studying yesterday and of course she doesn't believe me as I always get distinction, which I really do. But I'm not a nerd, I don't know how things come to my mind during those exams, I write just to fill the pages and they turn out correct. I get marks.                                        I wake up every day promising myself to complete the chapter that I'm stuck with since three days but at the end of the day I'm still stuck there:-(                             Then at night when I look the clock.... Ten forty!!!                                              
Okay, I couldn't complete a page in the whole day what will I do now? So let's sleep. Done. Next day same story.  Along with all these I have the books of my favorite authors released, I have to them too. So I manage to buy those books and there are three, four....five books releasing together. It's an irresistible temptation which I give into every time. I know that in the end I'm going to read that book, even if there is an exam tomorrow so I don't think twice before buying the book.                              

For all of this I blame this digital company, they are giving free data during my exams!!! Now what can I do?? It's so tempting that I'm breaking all the rules. When I had got my smart phone I promised myself that I would use it in a right way but now cause of this free data all my resolve is gone. To make it even worse the offer lasts only till the end of next month and that's exactly when my exams end:-(  

Oh so FRUSTRATING!!

My first blog

Hello bloggers, this is my first blog post. So I'm on this blog so that I can write what I feel ( that's what everyone does, I know). I usually don't get a chance to talk more when I'm home as my mom talks non-stop and I stay shut for my own good cause if I reply or comment that will start a new conversation all together.
So I started a WordPress blog a year ago but then I didn't know what to write there and typing on a small screen in a real pain so I never posted much.
This time I'll try to write as much as possible atleast for my sake.
I don't know what got on to me to start this blog during my exams!!! Yes, it's only a week to my exams and I have loads to study but I got really bored to read about 'How to enhance creativity?' in my text book and so I'm actually enhancing my creativity by blogging :-)
So I'll now go and complete what I am writing and my battery is dying too!!